How Can We Teach Our SWC to be more Compassionate?

[lmonroe]

Our daughter just turned 6 last week and it has been one of those weeks where I just feel like I don't know what to do anymore. First it was a parent telling me that my daughter was not being nice to her daughter at school, then my daughter told a little girl at her party that she didn't want to play with her anymore because she wanted to play with her friends, she had a fit on a school outing because she didn't want me to just chaperone her and another little girl she sees alot and the list could go on. When she wants something a certain way or doesn't get it the way she wants it, she is very hurtful to others. This is very hard for me to handle or watch, because I am very compassionate toward others. What can we do where a situation is dictated to her (like at school) and teach her not to be mean to others?

[leannedan]

Imonroe,

I can tell you what helped with my SWC, and maybe that will help. SWC's are brutally honest. That can be a good thing, but your task as a mom is to help your SWC learn how to manage that honesty responsibly. You will have to take a two-fold approach.

1.Learn to appreciate her honesty and let go of some of your compassionate expectations. Generally, SWC's are fequently not “pleaser's” (although there can be exceptions to that rule). She will view some of your companssionateness as being a pleaser, so you may have some fundamental differences of opinion where that is concerned as she is growing up. You may have to allow her more latitude in that area as your personalities may be very different.
2.Teach her how to be more compassionate (and be prepared to do this for a long time (4 or 5 years at least).

With my son that meant doing several things.

Modeling compassion for him by being compassionate TO him.
Modeling compassion by being compassionate to others.
Requiring compasson from him to others.
Coaching him on compassionate behavior.

For example, I had to literally give my son the words to say and the deeds to do for an extended period of time. If he said “I don't want to play with you right now because I want to play with my other friends, I would pull him aside right then and say, “it is rude to tell a friend you don't want to play with them, what you might say is “can you come over to play again tomorrow?” and then set a time to play, or even “it is fun to play with you, let's do this again tomorrow (or on Saturday etc.). Let me help you pick up your things before you go.” “Let's practice that,” and then we would run through it a couple of practice times, and then he would say it to his friend.

We did this about 500 times (I do not think that is an exageration) before he was getting the hang of it on a regular basis. We did this with EVERY situation where my son was being rude. It was a pain for awhile, but it certainly turned his behavior around. He got better and better at it as he got older. This will be especially important for your daughter, as girls can get meaner as they head into middle school.

Don't see her “rudeness” as a flaw in your parenting. It is common for SWC's to have some challenges where tact is concerned. Your goal will be to help her overcome this character challenge. Once she learns this, it will really benefit her as she grows up. SWC's who are able to combine diplomacy wih their strong will can be formidable power houses in the world. Lawyers, negotiator's, sales people, and ambassidor's all must possess this combination of strong will and diplomacy. Who know's, you may be raising a future Condolesa Rice!

Leanne